You can know church or ministry leadership has moved from biblical leadership to abusive control when:
1) People are emotionally demeaned.
They are consistently or persistently criticized or belittled, made to feel worthless and guilty even when they aren’t.
2) People are spiritually denigrated.
They are made to feel that only the leaders know what God wants, that their spiritual experience can never measure up.
3) People are socially denied.
They are expected to spend all of their free time with church people and not to look beyond leadership for counsel or input.
4) People are mentally dismissed.
They are not permitted to make even little decisions in their own spheres of ministry, needing approval for every change no matter how small.
5) People are physically dominated.
They are given mandates on what to wear, eat, watch, listen to, read, etc., or face ostracism.
In essence, when leaders lack respect, trust, and mutual-submission with their members, abuse is likely to be present. When leaders begin to control rather than serve, abuse is likely to be present. In Matthew 20:25-28 Jesus clearly pointed out that control is not Christ-like behavior. — 5 Signs Ministry Leadership Has Turned Christ-like
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Thanks for showing how abuse can hit all these areas similar to spousal abuse. Just cause someone doesn’t have a black eye or broken ribs doesn’t mean they aren’t abused.
Yes, Peg, some of these abuses are more subtle but the damage done in people’s lives and to the cause of Christ can be just as harmful. And, you are right in making the comparison to spousal abuse. With just a few adjustments in the wording, these signs would be quite applicable to spousal abuse.
I guess that in some Churches people are made to feel insecure in that they are criticised and made to feel that they couldn’t possibly do some job right. In Hebrews 13:6 it mentions “The Lord is my helper and I am not afraid of anything that mere man can do to me.” We should always refer to this idea in everything we do. This is what our leaders should tell us. In most cases this is what happens. God Bless You! Leonard
Thank you for speaking out about spiritual abuse. Sometimes people want to control people because they are afraid that they will loose members or that you have more experience than them. When God called Moses, he was the spiritual leader although Aaron was high priest and Miriam was prophetess. The leader is the leader.
You are welcome, Tonita. The fears you mentioned sometimes do drive people to hold on tighter than they should but in the end, that becomes counterproductive. Thanks for pointing to the example of Moses. Also recall how Moses’ father-in-law suggested he relinquish even more control by delegating (Ex. 18:13-26). In so doing, he actually expanded ministry while still being the leader God had chosen. We don’t have to be threatened by others if we are truly seeking the greater good as was the case when Moses delegated.
Hey there ,…
I have a question. When you are in a marriage that the husband is like this then what can I do? He said just today to wear jeans and a t-shirt to church next Sunday. There are a number of other things. My husband loves to be in Control. He really wants me to do what he says and be submissive, … I do believe that God calls everyone to be submissive, … I get the feeling that he thinks that there are more women where I came from. He gets mad at me and instantly says to go and find another place to live. That hurts. Then he wants me to be happy and all smiles at Church the very same day. I am so up tight, … I know that God is in control and he will make my path straight. I will love and wait on God, … He is my strength. Is there any thing I can do to help me not feel so bad all the time. It is hard to smile and stay upbeat, … Please pray for me.
Lovingly in Christ Jesus, Dev
Dev, I am sorry for what you are experiencing in your marriage. I praise God for your understanding about God being in control and being your strength. That is so important but knowing that still doesn’t make it easy.
As you already know, there are no easy answers. Obviously prayer for your marriage is vital. You might not be able to change your husband, but God can. Do not give up. As long as there is God, there is hope. Keep turning to Him over and over and over again. In doing so, you are taking the weight off of your shoulders and putting it on God. Only God can change a heart. In the meantime, your responsibility is to be the kind of woman who lines up with God and His Word (Eph. 5:22-33; 1 Pet. 3:1-9). God will honor that.
Keep turning to the Lord for help but also turn to the Lord for your sense of value as a person. When you find your worth in Him, though it hurts when others put you down or do you wrong, you can keep standing because your worth is not dependent on what that person thinks or tells you. Let me encourage you to use the 40 Day Challenge to help sink this truth into your heart. I am sure you already know this but sometimes we just need the constant reminder, especially when in a situation as you described. (There is a sheet you may freely print or copy on that page to do the 40 Day Challenge.)
Keep turning to the Lord for help, your sense of value, but also for stability in your life. It would seem to me that your life is often in a state of flux due to the ups and downs you described. Until your husband’s heart changes, that instability remains. If you are depending on or even hoping for marriage to be your source of security, you are bound for disappointment and discouragement. The Lord needs to be the Rock on which you stand. He will never leave you or forsake you. He remains true when all else fails. Remember the parable of the man who built His house on the rock versus the man who built it on sand. In adversity, the house built on the firm foundation stood. Marriage is not what enables us to make it through life. God is. Build your life on Him, not your marriage. When you do that, you will be an even better wife because you are not dependent on your husband to meet your needs. God is your all and all. So, if your husband doesn’t come through for you, or makes your life miserable, your world does not have to come crashing down.
Keep turning to the Lord for help, your sense of value, the source of stability in your life, and also strength to keep going on. It would be so easy to turn inward, focusing on your circumstances, and stop reaching out to others. The Apostle Paul said “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Phil. 4:12-13). This was a person who knew abuse and persecution. He was able to continue on serving others, and not get bogged down in his negative circumstances, because His focus was on God and the strength He provided rather than his circumstances. This is not an easy thing to do which is why Paul said “I have learned.” It does not come natural to us. Yet, when we do what we are able to do for the Lord within the parameters of our circumstances, by His strength, our outlook changes along with it. Notice that I said our outlook changes, not necessarily our circumstances. Getting our eyes off of ourselves and our situation helps us in the long run. In saying that, I am not suggesting you get so busy that you neglect your marriage. Your marriage still needs to be a priority. But, if that is your sole focus, it is bound to pull you down further.
All of this does not mean you just sit back and do not work on your marriage. Christian counseling for the two of you might be valuable. Getting involved in a Christian support group could help. Finding a trusted friend to regularly pray with you could be a good idea. Talking to your pastor might be useful. Contacting a Christian organization that comes alongside of spouses who are abused might be necessary. Maybe there is a mature Christian couple willing to mentor you and your husband. But, in turning to others for help, you want to make sure you are turning to the right people. You need the right kind of support. There are some who would be too quick to suggest you check out of your marriage. There are some on the opposite side who would suggest you submit no matter what happens because your husband is the “head.” If you find yourself getting involved with “help” that is on either extreme, you should seriously consider looking elsewhere for help. Regardless of whether or not you get help from others, keep turning to the Lord as your primary souce of help, for your sense of value, the source of stability in your life, and also strength to keep going on.
Dearest Mini Tools
I am so thankful for your input,… you know,….. am aware of what I should be doing. When a person is put in a position such as mine,… you can be drawn away from what you know,…. if you let your focus come off of God and on other things, for example circumstances mostly. The evil one is trying to distract me because God has a great plan for my life and I can’t let anything interrupt My calling. My Husband is happy about what ever I can do for the kingdom of God. I can feel God’s work is going to come through me for God’s Glory and the evil one (the Devil) will do anything to stop it from happening. I had a stong sense at Adult Sunday School that I need more of God and to study at church every morning. I want to go to Bible College so badly or just get into ministry. WOW ,… then I found you ,… thank God for your faithful training program. I feel like I am not worthy of a calling but I am called to serve,…. my vision is to be a speaker for young woman or woman in general. Thank you for setting me back on track. . . . Thank you God,… that you God are my strength and for your power God in my life to overcome the circumstances in my life. I will focus on You God with-out neglecting my family. Thank you for friends like MinTools to help when we need it. Amen. Lovingly Dev.
You are ever so welcome, Dev. Praise God for His faithfulness. It sounds like God has already been doing a work in your life. This is just one stepping stone. I do want to get one thing straight. You are not worthy of a calling. None of us are. As Paul said, “But by the grace of God I am what I am” (1 Cor. 15:10). Then in Ephesians 3:8 we read Paul saying, “Although I am less than the least of all God’s people, this grace was given me.” I will stop and pray for God to open the doors, in His timing, to fulfill His ministry through you. And, that same grace is what will help you in the difficult circumstances of your marriage. God’s word to Paul will apply — “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:9). What you are experiencing will not be wasted as it will add depth to a speaking ministry to women.