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Hidden Messages in Disciplining

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If the message we, as parents or teachers, want children to receive when we discipline doesn’t get through, perhaps it’s because we’re sending hidden messages in disciplining.

Reasons for Hidden Messages in Disciplining

Sometimes the message we intend to send when disciplining is not received that way because our words don’t match our actions or the way they’re presented.

  • Words and actions do not match: Inconsistency
    We say one thing and do another.
  • Words and demeanor do not match: Mixed message
    We say one thing but our tone of voice or body language say another.
  • Words and intent do not match: Empty threats
    We say one thing but mean another.

If this is the cases, don’t be surprised when behavior doesn’t change.

Sometimes our words do match our actions, demeanor, and intent but don’t align with what we teach. The parent or teacher feels frustration, anger, apathy, or disrespect and it’s coming through.  Even then, we could think we are merely communicating our feelings about their behavior but they might be receiving a different message like:

  • The parent/teacher doesn’t really care about me. — It’s all about the parent/teacher, not the student.
  • The parent/teacher thinks I’m stupid or hopeless. — It’s about putting children in their place, not helping them do better.

If this is the cases, don’t be surprised when behavior doesn’t change.

Guard Against Discipline Messages That Do Little to Change Behavior

When you discipline, think before you speak.  Examine your heart.  Line up with God’s intent and focus in disciplining.  Choose your words carefully.  And then follow that proverbial wisdom to “say what you mean and mean what you say.”

Article on TrainBibleTeachers.com that could help: 10 Things Not to Say When Disciplining

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4 Replies to “Hidden Messages in Disciplining”

    • You already did the first step — acknowledgement of what you did wrong. Now think of Jesus’ teaching. He says we should seek reconciliation with those we offend (Matt. 5:23-24). Admit to your students that you were wrong in the way you reacted, let them know that you are asking God to help you do better, and are seeking their forgiveness. This in itself is a lesson to students, showing them the way we should deal with our mistakes. But, you might still need to regain their trust and respect. That is where actions come in. They will need to see you consistently respond in godly ways. And, this time, if you slip up, stop right away and ask their forgiveness. Better still, if you sense yourself heading that way, stop and pray … perhaps even with your students. No one is perfect. We all need God’s help to properly respond. It won’t hurt for your students to know you are human. What they need to see is a teacher who turns to God for power to say and do what is right. In this way you are modeling for them what to do in hard or frustrating situation.

  1. Wow! Never thought about how our reponses teach like that. Guess there’s lots of ways we send messages to our students.

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