If you’ve been there, you know the heart wrenching feelings that go along with divisive church situations, especially when some you have come to love leave or you feel like you must leave because of it. The church is never the same. People aren’t the same. Some eventually learn and grow from the situation but others get stuck in their grief.<\/p>\n
What I have observed is that the sense of loss in these kinds of situations sets into motion the grief cycle \u2014 denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We may need to feel these emotions to get to the point where we are willing to do what God wants us\u00a0to do in the situation. If we don’t keep advancing through these stages, we will not learn and grow from what has happened.<\/p>\n
1) Denial<\/strong> – downplaying, avoiding<\/p>\n People stuck in denial are the ones who tend to be content with the dysfunction. They shun the idea of church discipline for immoral situations. They think the church will be fine just as it is, even if it is on a downward spiral. They try to avoid thinking about and dealing with what might be the inevitable.<\/p>\n Getting Unstuck:<\/p>\n Work at finding the truth in the situation, not how you want it to be.<\/p>\n We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5)<\/em><\/p>\n … that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. (2 Tim. 2:26)<\/em><\/p>\n 2) Anger<\/strong> – blaming, resenting<\/p>\n People stuck in anger sometimes make things worse as they lash out at people for their real or perceived parts in the problem. They are so frustrated about what is happening that it just pours out of them. Not everyone, however, expresses their anger in these situations but rather bottles it up within themselves. Nonetheless, it is there and eats away at their soul.<\/p>\n Getting Unstuck:<\/p>\n Work through your anger.<\/p>\n In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Eph. 4:26-27)<\/em><\/p>\n Remember that you are accountable for what you do.<\/p>\n Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? … first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matt. 7:3-5)<\/em><\/p>\n Exercise humility regardless of how you feel.<\/p>\n But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. (James 3:14)<\/em><\/p>\n 3) Bargaining<\/strong> – postponing<\/p>\n People stuck in the bargaining stage could be the ones who put conditions on staying or leaving. They’ll stay as long as … or until … but often get caught up in the dysfunction even though they said they would leave if things didn’t change.<\/p>\n Getting Unstuck:<\/p>\n Make your goal trusting the Lord rather than testing Him.<\/p>\n Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'” (Matt. 4:7)<\/em><\/p>\n Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. (Prov. 3:5-8)<\/em><\/p>\n 4) Depression<\/strong> – feeling helpless and hopeless<\/p>\n People stuck in depression realize the inevitable is about to happen and are so saddened by it that they slump into despair. They tend to be ones who give up on the church. Even if they attend another church out of duty, they don’t get involved like they had been. Their goal is protect their hearts from further hurt.<\/p>\n Getting Unstuck:<\/p>\n Find your help and hope in the Lord, not your circumstances:<\/p>\n Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. (Ps. 55:22)<\/em><\/p>\n Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Pet. 5:7)<\/em><\/p>\n Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:6-7)<\/em><\/p>\n 5) Acceptance<\/strong> – releasing to God<\/p>\n People who work through this variety of feelings aroused within them eventually get to the point where they are able to gain some perspective. They might not like what has happened and it may still hurt, but they trust God nonetheless to work for the good even in a bad situation (Rom. 8:28)<\/span>. Consequently, they’re able to experience God’s peace even in the midst of turmoil and change. Their prayers for the church are more selfless growing out of desire for God’s glory more than their own hurts.<\/p>\n Moving through these stages of grief is not a sign we aren’t trusting God. Getting stuck is.<\/p>\n Remember that grief often does not follow a straight path. We can re-cycle through some of these stages. We must learn to keep turning it over to God. It is when we get our eyes off of God that we risk getting stuck in our grief.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Also remember that not everybody grieves the same. Some people cycle through grief quicker than others. We must allow one another to grieve while constantly reminding each other to look to the Lord. \u00a0In the next post we will look at how to help people heal in these grievous church situations.<\/p>\n If you’ve been there, you know the heart wrenching feelings that go along with divisive church situations, especially when some you have come to love leave or you feel like you must leave because of it. The church is never the same. People aren’t the same. Some eventually learn and grow from the situation but others get stuck in their grief. Continue reading Grieving in Divisive Church Situations<\/span>A Final Note about Grieving in Divisive Church Situations:<\/h2>\n