God gave us a picture of what it takes for broken relationships to be restored. His Word provides much wisdom on how to get there. But, He doesn’t expect us to be able to do it on our own. He also gives the power and grace we need each step of the way.
Steps to Take Toward Restarts in Relationships
The following steps will help us “make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy” (Heb. 12:14). While we can work through them chronologically, ultimately they should be happening simultaneously. They mustn’t be viewed as a once and done effort. We may need to keep rotating through them or coming back to certain steps over and over.
- First examine your relationship with God and make sure you are right with Him. Are you relying on His wisdom, power, and grace?
We love because he first loved us. … For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (1 Jn. 4:19-21)
- Own up to any part you may have had in the problem and deal with it. Are you letting His grace break through any pride or insecurities in your own life hindering reconciliation?
How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matt. 7:4-5)
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Ps. 139:23-24)
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 Jn. 1:9)
- Make reconciliation with others a priority. The longer time passes, the harder it may be to reconcile. Are you asking God for wisdom in how to proceed?
… if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. … (Matt. 5:21-25)
In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Eph. 4:26-27)
- Extend forgiveness to those who have hurt you. Seek the forgiveness of those you may have offended. Are you remembering God’s grace in your own life?
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph. 4:32)
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. (Col. 3:13)
Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying “I repent,” you must forgive them. (Lk. 17:4)
- Trust God to work for the good even when reconciliation doesn’t come or doesn’t come quickly. Are you confident in God’s sovereign power?
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Rom. 8:28)
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (Prov. 3:5-6)
- Keep praying for and treating the other person with respect and love regardless of his/her reactions. Are you seeking God’s grace to love and forgive as He does and His power to maintain Christ-like reactions when the response isn’t mutual?
But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. (Lk. 6:27-29a)
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. … Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. … Do not take revenge … On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (Rom. 12:14-21)