Category Archives: Church Life

In an exchange in the comment section on the Train Church Leaders Practicum under the topic of church discipline, someone posed a question about how elders or other church leaders can come alongside of people with comfort and counsel to help bring healing in a divisive church situation. I gave some of the following general suggestions but have herein expounded on my response.

9 Suggestions to Help Bring Healing in a Divisive Church Situation

What this looks like could depend on the particular situation, such as what caused the division, how far along it is, what has already been done, perhaps the church’s culture and governance, etc.. But, these suggestions can help elders and leaders bring healing in a divisive church situation.

1) Communication

Church leaders must honestly share with the church about what is happening, what steps have been taken, and how they hope to bring resolution. If you wait too long to communicate, you open the door to what might be irreparable damage as gossip, misunderstanding, and side-taking quickly ensue in situations like this. Further, people may feel you are trying to hide or cover up things through your lack of communication. You do not, and often should not, share every detail, but you must share enough for people to be able to understand, join in praying about it, and be able to participate in varying ways in the process. Being kept out of the loop can compound the hurt, adding to their sense of helplessness.

Also Read: Christ-like Communication

2) Availability

While some of the sharing will need to take place in the large group setting, much of it can and should happen one-on-one, as couples, or even as small groups which is more conducive to dialog and addressing specific concerns. Church leaders must make their desire to come alongside in these ways known. While this does require a commitment on the part of the leaders, their availability is essential to helping the healing process.

Also Read: Don’t Just Survive, Thrive: Need for Presence

3) Safety

Keep in mind that people need more than the physical presence of church leaders meeting with them. They need to know that the leaders will be safe to talk to, that they will be objective, non-judgmental, and will keep confidences. People need a safe environment in which to express themselves. Remember that people will be at different stages in the grief cycle. Can people feel as though they will be accepted and loved if they express where they are at … even if they don’t appear to be very spiritual? Or will they feel further traumatized?

Also Read: Christ-like Ministry

4) Observation

Take note of people who seem to especially be taking it hard and initiate contact with them. But, be careful that you don’t assume that people who aren’t saying anything are okay. They could be withdrawing which can be as harmful as obvious reactions.

Also Read: Want to Be More Discerning? – Look at God

5) Listening

Let people talk. Don’t make it all about you talking AT people. Hear what they are truly saying and then gently correct (Gal. 6:1), encourage, and support as needed (1 Thess. 5:14). The kind of help people need to heal could vary from person to person and the way you are going to find out what is needed is by listening.

Also Read: Listening Skills Training for Accurate Empathy

6) Prayer

Constantly bathe the situation in prayer, specifically praying for the people involved and for the entire Body. Encourage people to spend much time in prayer. Take time to pray with people, especially after you have taken time to listen to them. But, be careful not to use prayer as a means of preaching at them. By consistently turning to God in prayer, you are pointing people to God as not only the standard but also the source of all that is needed in the situation. Prayer is an important part of the healing process (James 5:16).

Also Read: Effective and Powerful Prayer?

7) Love & Serve

Despite people’s reactions, seek God’s help to love them no matter what. Go out of your way to assist them in any way you can Give a blessing when they attack. React to their unkindness with kindness (Rom. 12:19-21; 1 Pet. 3:8-12). One of the worse things a leader can do is to respond in like to aggressive, obnoxious, inconsiderate, or even hateful expressions of people’s hurts, fears, confusion, frustration … grief.

To Read: Attitude Toward Those Who Do Us Wrong

8) Reconciliation

This should be a major objective of church leaders in coming alongside of people to help in their healing. A divisive church situation tends to be filled with hurt feelings as things are said that shouldn’t have or said in ways that damage relationships. Trust gets broken. Fellowship between believers and with God gets fractured. For true healing to take place there needs to be an effort to reconcile. People, including the leaders, need to extend and seek forgiveness.

Be clear that the restoration of relationships with one another, and with God, is essential to healing, not the need for people to agree with or condone what has happened. We must work toward unity based on who we are in Christ, even if we continue to disagree, for God’s glory and for testimony’s sake. One of the best ways leaders can teach people to be at peace with one another and God is by being an example of it themselves.

Also Read: Let All Be Harmonious – How’s that going to happen?

9) Mediation

Where reconciliation seems unlikely, it may be necessary to bring in an unbiased person from outside of the situation to mediate. In some situations the leaders may be able to step in and mediate between members, but it may be necessary to bring someone in from outside of the church.

The above suggestions aren’t listed in order of importance or even as chronological steps to take. The reality is that there are no 1-2-3 steps in situations like this. We need to continue to seek wisdom and discernment from God each step of the way as we grieve these kinds of situations. – “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” (Prov. 3:5-6)

If you’ve been there, you know the heart wrenching feelings that go along with grieving a divisive church situation, especially when some you have come to love leave or you feel like you must leave because of it. The church is never the same. People aren’t the same. Some eventually learn and grow from the situation but others get stuck in their grief.

Grief Cycle Applied to Grieving a Divisive Church Situation

What I have observed is that the sense of loss in these kinds of situations sets into motion the grief cycle — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We may need to feel these emotions to get to the point where we are willing to do what God wants us to do in the situation. If we don’t keep advancing through these stages when grieving a divisive church, we won’t learn and grow from what’s happened.

1) Denial – downplaying, avoiding

People stuck in denial tend to be content with the dysfunction. They shun the idea of church discipline for immoral situations. They think the church will be fine just as it is, even if it is on a downward spiral. As such, they try to avoid thinking about and dealing with what might be the inevitable.

Getting Unstuck:

Work at finding the truth in the situation, not how you want it to be.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Cor. 10:5)

… that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. (2 Tim. 2:26)

2) Anger – blaming, resenting

People stuck in anger sometimes make things worse as they lash out at people for their real or perceived parts in the problem. They are so frustrated about what is happening that it just pours out of them. Not everyone, however, expresses their anger in these situations but rather bottles it up within themselves. Nonetheless, it is there and eats away at their soul.

Getting Unstuck:

Work through your anger.

In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Eph. 4:26-27)

Remember that you are accountable for what you do.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? … first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matt. 7:3-5)

Exercise humility regardless of how you feel.

But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. (James 3:14)

3) Bargaining – postponing

People stuck in the bargaining stage could be the ones who put conditions on staying or leaving. They’ll stay as long as … or until … but often get caught up in the dysfunction even though they said they would leave if things didn’t change.

Getting Unstuck:

Make your goal trusting the Lord rather than testing Him.

Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'” (Matt. 4:7)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. (Prov. 3:5-8)

4) Depression – feeling helpless and hopeless

People stuck in depression realize the inevitable is about to happen and are so saddened by it that they slump into despair. They tend to be ones who give up on the church. Even if they attend another church out of duty, they don’t get involved like they had been. Their goal is protect their hearts from further hurt.

Getting Unstuck:

Find your help and hope in the Lord, not your circumstances:

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. (Ps. 55:22)

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. (1 Pet. 5:7)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 4:6-7)

5) Acceptance – releasing to God

People who work through this variety of feelings aroused within them eventually get to the point where they are able to gain some perspective. They might not like what has happened and it may still hurt, but they trust God nonetheless to work for the good even in a bad situation (Rom. 8:28). Consequently, they’re able to experience God’s peace even in the midst of turmoil and change. Their prayers for the church are more selfless growing out of desire for God’s glory more than their own hurts.

A Final Note about Grieving Division in the Church

Moving through these stages when grieving a divisive church isn’t a sign we aren’t trusting God. Getting stuck is.

Remember that grief often doesn’t follow a straight path. We can re-cycle through some of these stages. We must learn to keep turning it over to God. It is when we get our eyes off of God that we risk getting stuck in our grief.

Also remember that not everybody grieves the same. Some people cycle through grief quicker than others. We must allow one another to grieve while constantly reminding each other to look to the Lord.  In the next post we will look at how to help people heal in these grievous church situations.